Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the day after is always just damage control
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me