So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You smell like stripper and shame
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.