My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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