So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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