kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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