just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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