Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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