I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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