accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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