how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
