I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
