I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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