I saw his package. It spoke to me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
