And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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