so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
