someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
