does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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