Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It's shark week go big or go home
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.