I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
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i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
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Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.