Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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