I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
