I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
