When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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