My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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