Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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