So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i would one night stand the shit outta him
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Randomize
