Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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