cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
