nut hugger
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
