And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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