i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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