so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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