I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
