Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I am naked and annoyed.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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