I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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