My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
