Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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