hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
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Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
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How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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