Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
