I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
