3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
