I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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