im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
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the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
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The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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