I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
