i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
