You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
