goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
