just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
you never un-have a 4some
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