i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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