is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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