Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
