Where is the hickey?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
