I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
