Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
