oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
