Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
